opening up...

for a very long time I have realized that I have come off as a mystery...some people don't know who I am and where I have come from...why I act the way i do, or even how FAR I have come. I feel like I have COME very far. The person I am today could have been someone totally different, but I opted to seek help, and guidance. Here is where I have come from...

I am Kiyanna Shakelle Matthews. I was born May 5th, 1989 in Los Angeles, CA. My mother Cynthia Matthews was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia when she was about 19 years old. She has struggled with this disease all her life, and currently still is. My father Herman Matthews was never in my life, he always in and out, and growing up my mom and dad were married but did not live together, he had a girlfriend and my mother had a boyfriend. As a child, I know my mother struggled because she could never really land on her feet. My grandfather, (my mothers father) George owned an apartment complex and we lived above my grandpa I do not remember much about my childhood there. My first years of life were spent there though, and I can say those were some of my best memories (from what I can remember), being close to my grandpa made me happy, I love him dearly. I remember my cousin Christopher lived down the street and we played with each other all the time. My mom's boyfriend Tony ( my younger brothers Father) used to buy me gummy bears all the time, but also remember him being abusive to my mother, and to my older brother & sister. My mothers mental state was always up and down. She had the tendency to always complain about money and that people were after to her but it was not as bad as it is now. My mother was always alone, she never had any friends, she cursed ALOT, (actually till this day she still curses me out...LOL) but hey thats my mom. My mom was the only person who took care of me and provided for me but we always struggled. When we moved to the valley we struggled even more. We didn't have money a lot of the time, and sometimes I would go hungry. Her mental state got worse and she would instill in me very scary and serious scenarios that I knew weren't true but at the same time at my age were confused about. My mom would place bricks, large sticks, and whatever else behind our front door to keep what she called the "enemies" out of the house. She would smack the walls because she believed the walls were bugged. My mom was very loud and since she was "not all their" mentally she would argue with neighbors of ours, and complete strangers. When I was in elementary school I would be embarrassed to be dropped off by my mom because she would yell and scream at me reminding me of things, and my friends parents would look at me strange. When my little brother was born, he was wild and very bad because my mother didn't really teach him much. When he was three years old, he ran out of the house and jumped into the pool and started to drown and my mom had to jump in and save him. That was the first time I was taken away from my mother. Social services came in and investigated and let us come back, but as a child I didn't understand that my mother was a threat to my life, just from her thinking. Me and my little brother used to run away from home and stay away very late because our mom drove us crazy with her stories. My oldest sister Tiffany eventually left and moved in with our dads mom our grandmother Joyce who we currently live with now because our mom drove us crazy with her stories and actions. I had no role model, my mom was so wrapped up in her own "self" that she never paid me any attention. Elementary and Middle school living with my mother were horrible because I always sad, depressed, and stressed out. & my grades reflected that. She would complain people were running in and out of our house (when there was no one but her mind making this up.) I used rap music as an outlet, well music in general and it helped me coupe. I remember wanted to die sometimes, but of course I was never ever really serious. I thought death had to be better then the way I was living as a kid.

My outlet was strolling the streets of Van Nuys with my friend Alyx. Being a tomboy, playing military, hopping over walls into peoples backyards, and stealing fruit off of people's trees to eat. Riding our bikes into other cities, and buying loads of junk from the 7-11 on the corner and eating it all because alot of nights I had nothing for dinner. In middle school I experienced a lot of differences, puberty hit, the busstop that I waited at to go to school had a man at who used to play with himself at. I saw things I shouldn't have. I was punked for some things in school & was very unhappy. I didn't tell my mom because at that point her mental state was at its worse and she would curse me out for no reason I would cry at the thought of having to go home and I hated my life to being negative about everything and basically not having anything to do. I remember feeling like an outcast and wanting to run away and stay away. My brothers behavior got worse. And out of nowhere Children Services was called again & me and my brother were taken away placed into the custody of my grandmother Joyce. From their I began a new life, I started 9th grade and I still struggled to really understand myself and come to grips with real life, because all I knew was NEGATIVE. I went through therapy for about 3 years, so I could be taught that my negativity was not my fault but my circumstances. I was used to not having all I ever wanted, nurturing, love, and compassion, that other children experience because my mothers mind was sick. I didn't understand why I had to have such a hard life, and although I began to make friends and interact in high school and open up more, my mom was kept a secret from friends, boyfriends, and even neighbors. I didn't know how to explain to people that my mothers mind was sick and that she embarrassed me. Until this day my mother still struggles financially, mentally, and emotionally. Looking at her hurts me everyday because if only she got the mental help she needed she could be so successful and so happy. She lives alone, and her disease still overwhelms her. Me and my sister encourage her to get help but she refuses and thinks their is nothing wrong. I have no financial, emotional, or any type of support from her. That is why it is so hard for me to land on my own feet and get a car, and all the things I want because I continue to help my mother financially and still maintain my own financial responsibilities. When people ask me why am I so angry or sad or depressed sometimes, its because I look at all I've been through and frown, its so hard to be happy knowing I never really had "parents." I am literally being a parent to my mom giving her money and buying her things. It makes me upset when I rely on the love, support, and attention from my bf so much because I lacked it so much as a child, I want him to cater to me 24/7. I have realized that I have to pick my life up and take care of me, but its so hard. I know I am an intelligent person and I will be successful but you can't blame me for wanting to give up sometimes. I've had to obtained everything I've ever wanted on my own. I look at material things sometimes and want them so bad but know that I'm the only person who I can ask to get it for me...So in return I have learned to humble myself and try not to be angry about the circumstances i once were in. I am who I am for a reason.

I am Kiy. I'm not rich, I went to Washington Prep H.S. I have an attitude problem (sometimes), I don't like being judged. I don't need anyone's pity! & I have a mother who has Paranoid Schizophrenia. I have been through alot in my 20 years of my life but I still remain strong. I go to school full-time & work part-time, and I want to be successful, I have learned from my mothers mistakes and I am not ashamed anymore. My goal is to be a successful Clinical Psychologist. My dream is to make a positive difference in people's lives. Although I still struggle I stay and strong and ease my mind by blogging. & I wish one day to prove to my mother that through all her faults and sickness that I still do love her and appreciate her giving birth to me. Maybe one day when she seeks the professional help she needs I can forget all the things she put me through emotionally. I have forgiven her, but I will never forget the emotional tare on my heart. I hope one day she will have the means to come to grips and stop blaming everything/everyone else but her mind.

I am Kiy, and thank you for not judging me... <3