why I love you. :-) (one day I will print this and read it to you!)

I D K . . .where to start...

You know what scares me the most? The fact that my love for you is so strong that sometimes I get so scared that I find these ways to suppress my feelings, i.e. I try making you mad, of course know how to get a reaction out of you just because those meanie feelings you throw at me will some how cast away how much love I have for you, and really make me think... So yeah, I guess I am so afraid that I love you way more than you love me, I sometimes question things: I mostly ask, "Why did I get chosen?" or that famous question, "Why does he even love me, if I get on his nerve so much?" Your spoiled, hard-working, God-fearing, energetic, and sometimes arrogant as HELL, but hey your my boyfriend, the man I want to spend the rest of my life. I thought about all the things that we've been through in are short, but very worthwhile relationship, and I think, Wow! He must not know that if I am annoying right now, years down I just might get worse... ;-) I thought about Taco Night the other night and I said how immature was I, to stop a grown ass man from trying to EAT! Then I thought about your actions and said, "I can't believe this NEGRO is really mad!!" smdh! But I can see why you were mad. I understand & I take into consideration that I was in fact wrong. The away message (YEAH VERY IMMATURE, THAT'S SOMETHING I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU!!) Here's my justification sometimes anger gets the best of people and we say things or write things to get others attention. I wanted to prove a point, I guess I wanted to show that our mediocre problems are nothing compared to the stuff I have endured and that it saddens me that we fight over the dumbest things. But hey thats what happens in relationships, & I am okay with that! Sometimes I get so scared because I feel like I have nothing else to give in this relationship & you are just going to walk away...Most of the time I feel like my vehicle incapability puts a strain on us, I feel like most of the problems are my fault, and sometimes I can't deal. But I have realized that I can't blame everything on me, all of these problems are learning experiences, & not talking to you drives me crazy...I did not want you to judge me nor my fam, I mean it's hard enough typing about it!

But in no way shape or form am I trying to walk away. I just want things in my life to be different. I want to do all the things I ever wanted to do for you. I want to be the girlfriend who takes her bf lunch at work, I want to be the gf that supports and is always at her significant others side, through thick and thin, and I can't do that because I am not able too...most of the time
:-( ! I just wish I could contribute more to you, I wish I could be more open sometimes, & I've asked God to help me along the way. I just want to be all you've ever wanted and more, but first I need to know exactly what you need. I only want to be jealous when you want me to be. Sometimes I can be so jealous and mean to some of your female friends, but it is only because I am secretly a very jealous person. I think being jealous is a natural trait possessed in many females and only the strongest can admit it. I have dealt with almost everything this relationship has thrown at me, maybe not in the best way, but I am definitely trying, you got to love me for that. I have created this blog not to throw problems in your face, but to type it and have you read it, and one day read this blog to you and explain to you my feelings & emotions at that time. Thinking about going home for L.A. for the summer makes me really sad, I mean I'm going to miss you dearly, I wouldn't go if I did not have too. The fear of not returning to UCM has been making me even sadder, I just want to get to a point in my life where I am stable, content, and pursuing my goals. I just want to be with you. Forever. I guess I just want you to understand that I will always be here, I'll always love you, and I will always support you in everything you do. I am your biggest fan, and I respect you body & soul, and I hope one day you write me something like this. ( I know it so hard to express yourself)! Your life is so hectic, your so busy, I hope it slows down someday so maybe one day you can start a family get married, and start your record company, "Shout to the Lord Records!!" (which I know you will do... kids part that is).... ;-)

For right now I am so proud of you, and I love you more and more everyday, even when you piss me off, text me saying stuff like "your too grown to be fighting with me," and that I am the word without the assness after it! I love you when your being an impatient assh*le who thinks they are right all the time. I love you when I cook dinner for you after work, and you eat, chill for 5 minutes and leave. I love you when you ask me why all the damn time! I loved you even after you did not show up to my sister's baby-shower. I love you when make sleepy-talk! (oh gosh!) I love you because you love the name Kiy'Le! I love you because you hate Young Jeezy and I love him! I love you because you obsess over Jasmine Sullivan, who is twice your size and weighs about the average size of a wrestler. (LMFAO!!!) I love you when you spell things wrong in your away message, it makes me and Ace crack up! I love that your mom calls you so much, you are truly a momma's boy. I love that you are a clean freak! I love that you cannot remember anything I asked you two days ago. I love that you love meeting new people, your really sociable, I wish I possessed that trait! I love how blessed you are, you make so many things happen for yourself. I despise your lifestyle: own car, own place, a great job: you will be a great provider and FATHER one day. I love how you love me, sometimes you can be mean, you talk way too much, but I love you. I love your voice, and when your mad at me, I also like when you yell at me, well only when you apologize right after. lol I love that you love having two phones, (admit it you know you do!) I love how you love boat shoes, gospel music, and that you can sing your a** off! I love how I think about you at the most random times. I love you for being such a good friend, always being there for everybody, and being diagnosed by everyone to have a hyper problem! lol I LOVE YOU CUHZ CUHZ!! I love you for being so family oriented, and for loving L.A. as you do! :-) I love that you are forever going to L.A. on weekends to make church, holidays, or whatever else! Anyway I can give you a lot more reasons why I love you! You know I love you for all you do for me! & most of all for sticking by me & still being with me!

I am lucky, and SO ARE YOU!!! lol

I love you LeAntwuan Currie Cooke! & your the best boyfriend I have ever had! & one more thing have fun in L.A. this weekend! :'( sniffs...I guess I'll be seeing you. :-) ooooffff course!