COFFEE!

yummmmmmmmmmy.....i love it!

simplicity...finally figuring out what I want...

I mean its the little things that people do that really leave an impression on my heart. First off I would like to say heeey bloggers...i`ve been gone for awhile...but i`ve been hella busy, trying to get school work done, study, work, and even staying on top of all the gossip that comes to me from family and friends in L.A. & Merced...all this is hard, but what's even harder is trying to make it. I mean its so easy to quit and give up, as opposed to sticking with shit and accomplishing it. Its been plenty of times when I wanted to transfer and leave Merced for good. I mean I guess I'm here because I have somewhat of a support system here, and I have a lot of love for the people here. Anywhoo I was asked a very interesting question the other day. And that was, "Am I genuinely happy?" and the answer to that question is "no." I have not been genuinely happy since my 12th grade year of high school. I mean I have great friends, a cool boyfriend, and a pretty stable family background, but I have not been happy inside for a while. I'm struggling with trying to find myself, and in the mist of this taking on all these different roles in my life. I can definitely say that I love my boyfriend a lot . But I feel like a lot needs to change. Sometimes I wonder if its "really" going to genuinely work...I try reassuring myself, but there's only so many times you can do that. I feel like time is of the essence, and the number one thing I hate about this relationship is the "TIME" issue. As hard as that is, its going to have to be reevaluated in one way or another. Full-time this, full-time that, homework, household responsibilities, family time, whhhatever it may be something has to change. Just saying... I guess if you truly love someone you would re evaluate your life, or let them know that this is not the right time for you to try to settle, right?! I believe the ultimate selfishness is not being there for someone 100%. It crushes me to know that I don't know everything about you. Your favorite cereal, actor, designer, and your role model. I WANT TO KNOW, I REALLY NEED TO KNOW... I once told Veronica, "I don't feel like I'm in a relationship." And one of the biggest reasons I felt that way was because I felt like she knew more than I did about you, and in essence she probably does. A lot needs to be worked out. I need that talk, one on one, me and you, cell phones off for a reason. Something has to give . Let`s face it we only know just enough about each other to be content in this relationship, I WANT TO SPEND ETERNITY WITH YOU, BUT I REFUSE TO FEEL LIKE I`M LAST ON YOUR LIST. I WANT MORE...I honestly don't think I'm asking for too much...but heeey I may... I just wish you were there for me more. And I wish lastly that I didn't just get "one" day. I wish you had time for me. I wish you understood me "more." I wish I didn't feel like a burden on your life sometimes...what do we do?

Little things like talking one on one, are all I need...

P.S- I am not angry, & I am not breaking up with you. We just gotta make some changes .

P.P.S- I love you .

Signed,

Kiyanna Shakelle Matthews

such a bomb dance routine! i love Sabra!